2026-05-26
I'm writing this entry in the evening because I had to take a nap after receiving some more shitty news about my car. They want like $9,000 for an engine, so that means I basically just have to get a new fucking car—after paying $6,000 for repairs that I thought would fix it. I feel like a complete idiot for going through with that, but I feel worse for having to drive a car at all, honestly. The people who drive on these streets where I live are insane and uninsured, and every time I go out on the roads I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Oh well; that's just the way it is here, and I can't change it. I could be mad—and I am—but it's not going to change my circumstances too much, now is it? Whatever. It doesn't matter. None of this matters at all, and I don't have to try and convince myself it does. Do I feel like a waste of space for putting myself in this situation? Of course I do, but I honestly just don't care anymore. I really don't.
Every time I say "I can't handle this anymore" or "I don't want to go anywhere or do anything anymore," there I go—going around and handling it and doing shit, albeit horribly and stupidly, but doing so nonetheless. I'm such an idiot; really, I am. I don't want to be expected to be responsible for people ever. I couldn't handle it, I don't think. Please never assume my confidence or intelligence ever. I fucking hate it. I'm a fucking idiot, okay?
I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. I can't handle it today.
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