2026-05-20
I'm really good at having bad ideas.
Wait, hear me out for a second. I think I am wired to be a fast, almost zany thinker. There's less a problem with losing attention than with losing interest in things. If I am contractually obligated to lock in, I can do that, but actual interest in things is a much more illusory feature of life for me. A close friend of mine has always told me that I'm a "phase guy" because I have a hyperfixation I try to make my entire identity for like two months and then lose steam and move on to the next thing. Behind it is a general sense of curiosity and a desire to learn, but directing that focus into something sustainable has been a difficult practice. Through my generally open-minded nature, I like to see things to certain conclusions, even if I generally don't trust whatever it is; my curiosity tends to get the better of me. What can I say? Fucking around and finding out is pretty fun.
But while I enjoy having a variety of intellectual interests, this often leads to a series of shitty hustles, scams (in my more amoral past), and business ideas that sound really interesting in theory—and that's about it. What I've had to learn over the last several years is to actually sit with an idea for a while, try not to speak it into existence too much, and wait to see if the interest itself is actually sustainable and if the idea has any actual bones to it. I just love scheming, okay? I get a fat buzz off of executing hastily generated plans and taking certain risks. Of course, this just means I'm an impulsive idiot; but when something actually works, it's a rush like no other. What I've found, however, is that for every one time something works out, I've had to go through at least a hundred instances where something else doesn't work out or loses steam. The failure can be rather embarrassing, especially when it's something I thought was really original and interesting, but is either met with deaf ears or is completely disproved in practice.
So, I've come to better control this impulsive nature by actually taking time to think through stuff. When I shoot and holler shit, it can lead to some rather negative outcomes. Maybe toying with fate isn't such a good idea, in retrospect. I've found my high risk tolerance also causes rifts in my relationships, but I've been fortunate to surround myself with good people who keep me from totally falling into debauchery and despair. In spite of my self-sabotage, my people keep me together, and I couldn't be more thankful. But more than that, I have to consistently try to learn from them. I can be arrogant and think I know better for myself, but given the things I've been through and the mistakes I've made, the last thing I want to do in my life is lean on my own understanding.
There's so many times when I don't want to feel so cognitive, you know? In a way, it's like wanting to fully automate my thinking. I don't want to manage it, but just let the scripts run and hope I don't hit a bug for a while. I think that's why I am generally extroverted. When I'm socializing and hanging out with good people, there isn't as much cognitive resistance there for me. It's easier to feel the flow of life, as it were. I don't have to worry about gathering my own thoughts, but can relay them to people who will listen and provide real-time feedback. It's a nice thing, because it makes me feel like I have an effect on the world. There's no void to shout into when you're sitting right in front of someone; you can see their eyes, watch them move, sniff the pheromones. Especially when I'm with someone that's close to me, those little things take me outside of myself for a while, and it's a nice thing to have.
Even in the throes of all those bad ideas I'm really good at coming up with, striking gold is a great moment. I find value in combing through as many bad ideas as I can until the good one reveals itself to me. Instead of sitting with a bad idea, I can scrap it, keep going—try not to lose morale—and figure out when that good one finally hits me. The iteration is a good thing; it tunes my instincts, helps me reinforce more good ideas, and hardens me in the face of failure. I love a bad idea now. It tells me I'm one step closer to a good one, and now these bad ideas are glimmers of hope in their own way.
Let's have more bad ideas.
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