Theotokos
2026-04-09
It's been about a week of no cigs and no porn. Go me!
While the time apart from those things is irrelevant, I am more optimistic about this attempt at abstinence. Especially regarding the pornography, I'd be having all kinds of insatiable somatic urges at this point, but I haven't really been feeling much of that, oddly enough. It seems as if my body really is starting to catch on. I will absolutely say it's been easier this time around because of the increased fervor in my prayer. I had this idea for a while, but didn't implement it until recently because I was scared of doing it: any time I feel an urge, do one circle around the prayer rope. If the urges continue, stay at the prayer rope until they leave. I was scared of it because I doubted the prayer—that I'd relapse anyway and begin to lose faith in it. But so far, prayer really does work.
In addition, I heard a deacon at my church say that he was delivered from consuming pornography after he began making more regular prayers to the Theotokos (the God-bearer Mary). I didn't know how to proceed with that. Of course, I didn't want to put her on the same level as Christ, so I didn't want to make it seem like she was the one making all the movements in my life. The way it works for her and for all the saints is that you ask them for intercessory prayer, meaning that you pray to them so that they in turn pray for you to the Lord. While I can understand that intellectually, I was a bit nervous to actually pray to her in practice.
In that book I'm reading, Everyday Saints, there was a nun who would pray to Mary and Saint Seraphim of Sarov, and I was surprised that she would talk with them in the same way she would with the Lord—as if they held a similar sort of omnipresence. She'd say things like "Oh Queen of Heaven, please make this happen!" That surprised me, but after reading about someone else doing it in practice, I became more comfortable with praying to the Theotokos. I will say that when it comes to chastity, no one knows it better than Mary. It makes complete sense that she would be the most receptive to prayers regarding lust and fornication. As part of my prayers, I've been making more efforts to come to her directly, and have asked her to give me ways to know her better and understand her role in my spiritual life. As I keep pursuing my faith, I'm confident that more understanding will emerge.
In more mundane news, I started using a French press again to make my coffee, and it's been wonderful. From ages 18–23 or so, I used a French press to drink coffee. I did this because I thought it would be the fastest way to make coffee, and also make the best-tasting cup. Both of those things proved to be true. When I moved back in with my family, my mom purchased this expensive coffee machine. You put whole beans up top, and there's a container for water on the side. You press the button to brew your coffee, and it grinds the beans and brews a single cup for you. The coffee it makes tastes pretty good, but it's a bitch to clean and maintain. You have to descale it often, which sucks. I went back to the French press because I wanted simple coffee again, and it's worked wonders.
More than that, the coffee it makes is better than that six-hundred-dollar contraption. The coffee is more full-bodied, almost creamy. It has more flavor too, which is awesome. The best part is that I can make and drink it by the pot instead of by the cup, though in practice a pot in my French press is only about two cups. Over the last few days, I've been drinking about two pots a day: one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Even though I still get tired during the day after drinking all that coffee, I don't care. Coffee just tastes too good. I used to love pairing it with my cigarettes; it would make me feel like I was in a 1950s diner every time I went out to my back patio. And the coffee first thing in the morning can definitely increase my cigarette cravings, but it's not too bad. The coffee is so good that I don't want to give it up.
I feel a weird sense of comfort, one that feels undeserved, but that I've been given anyway. That's grace at work, perhaps, but I think I'm beginning to see the importance of the "works" part of the "faith and works" equation. A lot of people misconceptualize the idea of works in relation to faith. Many will ascribe it to acts of charity, donating money to your church, or just generally being a kind person. While all of those things are important, I think they miss the essence of what it means, particularly when juxtaposed to faith. Works of faith are not social things; you don't work in your faith by improving or maintaining your social standing. Real works of faith are mostly solitary in nature; you are to work within yourself and between God to find your way toward keeping his commandments. Repentance doesn't always happen socially, and most of the time true repentance comes when you are alone.
As I continue my life in prayer and try to cut out as much sin as I can, I pray that God gives me the wisdom to continue my work in a way that works toward His will. Coming here and writing every day for all of you is something I hope makes someone else's life just a little bit better. In spite of all the trappings and pitfalls I've found in my life, there is respite and comfort in having this space to think through things. I don't know how long this project will continue to last, but I will never stop writing. Day in and day out, may this space be one that helps us all be more honest and a testament to not just a life lived, but one thought through.
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