Obedience
2026-04-18
I've found that some of my most productive writing is done in heightened emotional states, and that's scary to consider. Today feels calm, and it feels like it's going to be a decent enough day. So I ask myself, "where's the pursuit?" It's a strange consideration, and it makes me think back to this line of thought where I was telling myself that suffering doesn't always make you better. Sometimes, a good day feels scant. Life just keeps adding different stressors one day after another, and true rest and consolidation can be tough to find sometimes. I guess being comfortable in peace is a skill in itself; it can feel tempting to want some kind of conflict or pressure in life, but I don't want to convince myself that I need it to make myself a better writer.
Thought is an infinite resource.
There's this idea I have that if I never stop thinking, then that means I can never stop writing. Well, at least that's how it would be in theory. But honestly, going through these troughs where I feel like I'm pulling hairs to spit out a sentence is probably even more important than the days where my fingers blaze across the keyboard. It's reminiscent of strength training: those last few reps in a set that feel the hardest to get out are the ones where the most progress is being made. We become more resilient under resistance. But in the same way that resilience is made through resistance, increased strength can only come after a significant period of rest.
My instincts feel less sharp, and being in this position of not knowing the next paragraph makes me wonder how helpful it is to sit here at the keyboard trying to force words out. It seems clear to me that there's self-censoring happening here. There's something on my mind that I have to talk about, but I'm not letting myself talk about it. Let's fix that, shall we?
Last night, I relapsed on pornography. Earlier this week, I relapsed on cigarettes. When I relapsed on the pornography, it was tough. I will say that there was a significant difference this time around. Typically in a relapse, an addict will binge. This had been the case for me with pornography, but this time around I didn't. On top of that, while I was viewing it, there was a certain sadness I felt that I have never felt when viewing it in the past. It was pity. I felt pity for all those people performing those sexual acts on camera, and I felt shameful indulging in it. It felt similar to when Christ was being crucified and he said that famous line: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." That was how I felt, but in a more psychic sort of way, I suppose.
I relapsed, but I didn't binge; that indicates progress in a weird way. I understand the only way to really give something up is to absolutely change your mind about it and how you think about it. I remember telling myself that the main changing thought would be that there are no advantages to the vice and that's why I shouldn't do it. But I now understand that line of thinking isn't the right way to go about it, because that's still ultimately a self-serving thought. The truth is that I shouldn't fornicate because it displeases God, and that's it. There's no reason to go about explaining why it's wrong or trying to make some kind of stupid ethical or utilitarian case for it. I don't care about the brain science, the erectile dysfunction, the profiteering, or whatever else.
I cannot go about my life knowingly disobeying the Lord.
A prayerful life is a difficult one to find, but I've found myself circling back to prayer more and more. The idea is in keeping Christ as an object of focus, and it's much easier said than done. Many don't understand why they'd have to do that. Some might say that God is some kind of egotistical jerk if all He wants is for you to worship Him, but think about it like this: if you crafted a little tiny person and they started disrespecting you or denying that you made them, wouldn't that piss you off? Worshiping God isn't about giving Him kudos or burnt offerings, but about truly submitting to His authority as the maker of all things visible and invisible, and understanding that the greatest force driving that is love.
I can't disobey the Lord because He wants the best for me, and I will continue to take everything that happens to me in stride because I know that if I receive something that gives me joy, it is a gift from Him; and if I go through hardship, I can rest assured that He won't give me more than I can handle.
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