Broken Parts
2026-04-21
Things have been low stress, which I attribute to more frequently taking my Olanzapine. I've been on pretty much all the antipsychotics on the market, and Olanzapine seems to be the one that least messes with my head. I was on Abilify the first time I got prescribed an antipsychotic, and the cognitive and emotional neutering that gave me was horrible. The worst thing Olanzapine does is make me extremely sleepy, and when I take it at night, I'm almost guaranteed to sleep in. I got back on it as-needed a year or two ago because I knew that I couldn't keep taking antipsychotics daily, and for that purpose it works out well. Bipolar disorder at its core isn't just a mood disorder, but a sleep disorder. I can track my mood based on how much sleep I'm getting usually, and when I'm having a harder time falling asleep or find myself needing less sleep, that's usually indicative of an impending manic episode. On the other end, when I sleep way too much, that's indicative of depression.
Depression, while difficult to get through, is nothing compared to mania. Many have this preconceived notion that mania is consistent with productivity, and sometimes even creative genius. At certain times, that might be true. But the problem isn't being "up," so to speak. The problem is that I keep going up, and my thinking becomes so disorganized due to thoughts progressing so quickly that things like paranoia and delusions of grandeur begin to seep in. When you take an fMRI of a neurotypical brain and compare it to one of someone experiencing mania, the difference in activity is staggering; most of the time, the brain only keeps certain parts of itself active to maintain efficiency. However, a manic brain doesn't do this. Instead, it overclocks. In those fMRI scans of a manic brain, the whole thing is lit up like a Christmas tree.
This suggests something to be true that I and many other people who have bipolar experience: the levels of connection between thoughts and emotions drastically increase. If you've ever heard of extrasensory perception, that's similar to how it feels. In my experience, it's that or something like rapid free association. Either way, there's just a lot going on when my mind is manic, and sometimes it can be too much. When revisiting Brave New World, Aldous Huxley had this to say:
"The real hopeless victims of mental illness are to be found among those who appear to be most normal. Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives, that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does. They are normal not in what may be called the absolute sense of the word; they are normal only in relation to a profoundly abnormal society. Their perfect adjustment to that abnormal society is a measure of their mental sickness. These millions of abnormally normal people, living without fuss in a society to which, if they were fully human beings, they ought not to be adjusted."
Look man, as a mentally ill person, I want to be more integrated into society. Going insane fucking sucks, okay? Society is most certainly abnormal because everyone is uniquely weird in their own special way. Norms are developed not as a way to repress individuality, but to give us a means to put our heads together so we can do cool stuff and make our lives better. As a Christian, one might assume I have a bitter disposition toward human progress—that industry, technology, and the resulting globalization has been a disaster for the human race. But I'll tell you right now: I don't. People have been horrible to each other just as long as they have loved each other, and I find life to be a constant balancing act between impulses to love and impulses to destroy. Whether or not we have computers doesn't change that, and while society has plenty of pitfalls and problems, I have no desire to "go back to tradition" or "accelerate to the next step."
No, I prefer to live in this very moment.
Analyzing stuff can be a temporally tricky thing, as any overthinker so achingly knows. It's important we diagnose how we got here to inform where we're going, but many times the extent to which we do that is the result of our own insecurity and arrogance. It's tough to surrender to the moment, to let in those dark thoughts. So often we defend ourselves from them by denying or repressing them, but the expression of those things is necessary to allow for a truly loving and repentant spirit. When I come here to confess my thoughts to you, I do so because we're all so busy keeping things from people, and I want to show how in this day and age, one can do good by being more open with who they are. I give myself permission to suck, be weird, and shout into the void because without it, there's no growth. I can keep these writings to myself, but there's so much more I can do by sharing them.
Look, in this one-way conversation, there's no way I can know how you're feeling right now. I have no idea what you're going through, what you're hiding, or how you're fighting your demons, but there is a way through whatever that is. Maybe you just need a snack; or maybe you need to take a nap; have you cried recently? When I think of my life and all the mistakes I've made, the things I ran away from, the people who hurt me—I can't help but be thankful that the Lord got me through it to get to this very moment, writing this transmission for you: just the right person who has been following these entries for a while or coming here for the first time. I am so thankful that I get to do this not even as a living, but just because I've been given that privilege. I've been given an important role in this life: a steward for love, compassion, and all the messed up things in between.
Anyway, there's a lot wrong with things. There always will be.
But the best things in life are built with broken parts.
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