Bread Alone
2026-04-10
It's Holy Friday, and I intend on going to my parish's service tonight. One of the subdeacons was saying that it's supposed to have some of the most beautiful music the church sings all year, so I'm excited for it. I haven't attended any services during Holy Week, but I'm hoping to make this weekend the best I can of it. I haven't fasted at all during this Great Lent, but I'm going to try and keep an absolute fast until Pascha. May God have mercy on me in this time. Prayer has been much more fervent lately, but my emotions have been rather difficult to contend with. I've been much more irritable lately, and everything seems to just keep upsetting me. I've been in these throes of contempt at most aspects of life, and things have felt rather joyless over the course of this Holy Week. One would say that joy will come soon, but I'm holding my breath until then, if I'm being honest.
My sister's been home since last night, and while I love her dearly, it's so difficult dealing with her most of the time. Most people tell you that you gain a greater sense of compassion growing up with someone like her, and you do; no one likes to talk about the hard days, though, and just how many of them there are. Hearing her constantly scream and yell all day, especially with me being so sensitive to sound, is a tough thing to get through. There's no way of rationalizing with her, and I usually try to either get out of the house or turn my music up loud in my headphones and stay in my room. I have earplugs too, and I'll use those sometimes, especially when she's yelling at night.
I've already been irritable, and even though there's a predictability in this irritability, it still is a difficult thing to bear. There's so much I can feel in my body, and all I want to do is numb myself somehow. This feeling has persisted so much in my adult life, and it's one that has defined so much of it. There's a lack of deliverance I feel, but more than that, the lack of stability has pressed my mind and body to its absolute edge so many times. I have no idea how I'm not dead, truly. I didn't expect today's entry to be so emotional, and having these kinds of thoughts go through my mind is unbearable at times. I've been doing so much to abstain from sin, and to let myself feel all the things I need to feel, but going through this day in and day out with no sense of rest or respite—it's something I feel like I can only bear alone, save the mercy and comfort of God.
Life for so long has been nothing more than a waking nightmare. Looking into the cosmic void every day and getting attacked by evil spirits left and right becomes too much. Every moment is a cataclysm of sensation, and it really does feel like I've seen too much, been far past the lines that a human mind is supposed to go. I feel remarkably cursed; each day is a further punishment for sins that I can't remember. One day, I'll be washed of them. But until then, I have to push through. There's nothing else I can do. In spite of all of this, there's a deep and unspeakable impulse to live. Nothing gets past it. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I tell myself I can't take it and that I can't keep living—this pulse keeps beating. My body keeps doing what it does; it doesn't stop.
What is it like for the soul to leave the body? There are many days where I want to experience that and get away from the trappings of this weak and volatile flesh. I can't say that it'll be a pleasant sensation when it happens for real; death is a bridge that isn't marked by how easy it is to cross. However, I know that time will come on its own. I can't impose my will onto it because if I do, there are a lot of horrible things that could happen on the way to Hades. An unsupervised soul is bound to get lost in that cosmic void and consumed by greater and more malevolent spirits. Safe passage is necessary, and it's one that I hope to have when my time for it comes. Until then, I just have to keep feeling that pulse, taking those breaths, and experiencing the Word of God to the very end.
There's no telling what life will be like in that age to come, when we come back after Judgment. Surely it won't be all sunshine and daffodils; but in that life to come, what will be waiting for us there? Will it be more of these trials? Trusting in God for all of that is essentially impossible to wrap my head around, and getting that spiritually grandiose is starting to make my head hurt. I never have any idea how these entries turn out as I'm writing them. Going with these flows is so unpredictable. Sometimes I have plans for them, and I'll tell myself "yeah, I'm gonna write about that today!" And it never happens. Something else always comes up. Is that Divine Providence? More than likely, it's just divine inattention.
I'm so hungry right now, and dealing with hunger is one of the worst urges to surf. It's worse than cigarette withdrawals, porn withdrawals—I've even been through benzo withdrawals and being hungry is worse. I made a commitment to myself to keep this fast until Pascha, but just sitting around all day being hungry sounds worse than just about anything else right now. I know God wouldn't put it on my heart if I couldn't handle it. I can indulge in His gifts at any time, but for true spiritual perfection and healing of ailments as great as these, prayer and fasting is the only way.
I've said this to myself so many times before, but I'm going to say it again:
Man does not live on bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God.
Stay loved, friends.
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