Vivid
2026-03-25
Today has been slightly annoying. We've been having some problems with our refrigerator, and yesterday, we had a guy come out and "fix" it. He ended up being here for most of the day, but all he did was use one of our credit cards to drive over an hour away to purchase a cleaning tool, charge us for labor, and call it a day. This morning, my parents discovered that the fridge was still broken. So, they disputed the charges to the credit card and called another person to come by and take a look at it. Then my dad found another guy who he thought would be more reputable, and my mom had to cancel the appointment with the other guy at the door. I was outside on the back patio when it happened, but she said he was pissed. The allegedly more reputable guy is working on our fridge right now, but he's saying that it might require either a very expensive repair or a replacement of the whole unit. Some time ago, we had to get the refrigerator repaired for similar reasons, so overall, this is turning into a bit of a fiasco. My mom's been stressing about it all morning because she's worried she won't have cold soda. Understandable.
With this situation going on this morning, I've been held off from writing, which adds to the annoyance. I like to get these entries out in a single sitting without distractions, so all of these distractions this morning haven't been helping with the endeavor. But right now the guy is working on the fridge, and my mom seems like she'll be able to handle communicating with him for the time being, so now I'm here finally getting my thoughts out onto the page for today.
My neuropathy has been getting worse, especially since I figured out I'm not getting my Mounjaro prescription. Without the Mounjaro regulating my blood sugar, I've been contending with more numbness and nerve pain in my appendages. I take a heavy dose of metformin, but this only does a little bit to help. Of course, my worries have been escalating. It's not getting horrible yet. I still generally have sensations in my appendages, but the nerve pain is discomforting.
When I was at the gym yesterday, I spent an hour walking on the treadmill. As my walk progresses, the nerve pain and numbness get worse in my legs and feet. I can manage it alright, and I know that working out is still important for my health. Still, the whole situation has me worried. While I was showering after my workout, I was hit with a wave of sickness. I got lightheaded and nauseous, and since I didn't eat much prior to going to the gym, I dry-heaved at the toilet. After my shower, I had to sit down on a couch for about twenty minutes, but thankfully I ended up feeling better after sitting down.
I don't know if that's related to my diabetes, but I suspect that it is. I also recently started taking buspirone again, so that might have something to do with it too. Generally, I feel fine, but as I monitor the situation, I want to take more efforts to lose weight. Weight loss has been quite the uphill battle, but when I got my Mounjaro prescription, it felt like a true miracle. I was feeling better throughout the day and I was dropping weight like a rock. In the month that I was on it, I lost ten pounds. However, I'm coming to a certain understanding about the whole experience. At first, I began thinking that the prescription would be the only way I was going to lose weight. But in the last few weeks since I've been off it, I haven't gained any weight. In fact, I still lost a few pounds. It wasn't as much as when I was on the medication, but I realized that I have every way to lose the weight without the medication.
More than that, if I don't have the medication, that'll help me keep it off.
At my heaviest, I was about 335 pounds. These days I'm sitting at right around 300 pounds. That weight loss has occurred over the last two years or so. It's not monumental, but progress nonetheless. To reverse my diabetes and sleep apnea, I estimate that I'll need to get somewhere between 200–220 pounds. While 35 pounds down, I've still got about 80 to go—so I'm only about a fourth of the way there. I've been dealing with bouts of increased appetite, and while I'm hungry while writing this entry, I have no desire to eat. Not only do meals give me spikes in nerve pain, but the chance at excess calories is something that I can't chance right now. The fork in the road is abundantly clear, and I've got to make the choice about which path to take yesterday.
While weighing my worries and symptoms, I can't deny that progress has been made. My physical fitness has improved significantly over the last year. I have so much to be thankful for. Since I've been strength training over the last few weeks, I've seen remarkable progress. I'm getting less sore after workouts, and I'm increasing volume with practically every workout. Even though I used to dislike strength training, I've come to enjoy it now. It gives me something to look forward to, which is something I've been lacking for years. Writing, strength training, and going to church have been my saving graces so far. Man, I really am a Zoomer.
Despite the problems I've gone through, life really has been getting better. With how bad it got, I understand with more clarity than ever the importance of taking things one day at a time. I thought I'd never get out of that hole I was in. The depression was debilitating and the mania was traumatizing, but I've felt an attunement that I don't think a lot of other people get to experience. It's as if my brain's min-maxed neuroanatomy has opened me up to emotional and cognitive experiences that many don't get to access. To say it more simply and clichéd, the bipolar really has become a gift. The sensitivity it forces me to perceive the world with has allowed me access to a certain set of vibrations that make things feel so surreal, yet unequivocally vivid.
There's so much more to do.
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