Standards
2026-03-01
I think I've been struggling with standards lately.
I say this because I'm not attending Divine Liturgy today. Instead, I decided to stay home and write. There were a lot of things going through my mind when making the decision not to attend. I wasn't looking forward to the drive. I wasn't looking forward to the crowd. I didn't have any cigarettes this morning, so I decided to drive to the gas station, buy a pack, and go back home. I didn't know how I'd fare not having a cigarette in my mouth for several hours, because I know it's against church policy to smoke there. More than that, I have this meager set of standards I am trying to hold myself to, but it seems that I'm struggling to uphold them.
I want to quit smoking again, stop consuming pornography, go to church every week, engage in a prayer rule every morning and evening, eat healthy, go to the gym, and write every day. But what I've found is that it's basically impossible to hold all of these spinning plates at once. It makes me feel weak, that I'm not capable of maintaining the stresses necessary to live a good life—at least, a life where I can maintain a sense of responsibility. I want to be someone that other people can count on, but I'm having a tough time showing up just for myself. It makes me frustrated that I can't seem to hold the prerequisites, but I'm not sure how else I can keep things up.
I can hold myself accountable to a fixed number of things. I can write most days, go to the gym most days, eat decently (thanks, Mounjaro), hit the prayer rope when I can. But my vices are still demonstrably entangling me. It seems that there's something that I can't let go of, but I'm unsure of what baggage that is. I feel like I'm possibly being selfish, that I'm so concerned with what's going on in my world that I'm not able to accept the responsibility of being reliable for others. I know that I can't really do a whole lot with my disability, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't at least try to be there for the people who care about me. I want to be someone others can count on. I know I'm smart enough to make good decisions, to see things past certain logical peripheries. I know that if I can just tap into my potential, I can be that true force for good I think I should be.
Another thing that precipitates these feelings is the idea that there will be challenges later on in life that necessitate a certain degree of preparation I feel I'm not aptly striving toward. I guess I just want to be ready for struggles of the future, but that just makes me not focus on the ones I'm facing today. I don't know why I feel ambitious in this kind of way. It doesn't feel right to have that kind of desire. Truthfully, I am doing well in this moment today, but I'm letting this desire for more create a hole in my heart. Even if that "more" is a good or noble cause, that doesn't mean that the desire for it isn't digging that hole further into myself. I think, weirdly enough, that what I'm talking about is vainglory, a sin itself.
I recently watched a video about the life of Saint Nicetas of the Kiev Caves. He became a monk in a monastery in Kiev, and while there, he wanted to become a recluse so that he could ask God to make him a wonderworker. His abbot ordered him not to do so because he felt it would be better for Nicetas to serve his brothers in the monastery. Nicetas refused to obey his abbot and became a recluse anyway. While praying in his cell, he was visited by a demon that he thought to be an angel. The demon gave him visions of clairvoyance, and he became well-known in the area for his abilities. His abbot, however, knew that Nicetas was being deceived by a demon because Nicetas refused to tell people wisdom from the New Testament, only the Old Testament. Through the prayers of his abbot, the demon was cast out of Nicetas, and he was able to live in the monastery peacefully thereafter.
I feel a similar sort of struggle as Saint Nicetas, that even though my intentions are good, I struggle to accept the basic tedium of the moment. I want to be ready for tomorrow, but I fail to focus on what's happening today. I hope that I can work to stay more present in what's happening today. I have a good practice of attention here in Cogito, but there is so much more to do in a day outside of writing these entries.
I hope I can figure out the rest of today.
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