2026-03-04
Early yesterday afternoon, I fell asleep and slept throughout the rest of the entire day and through the night. That antipsychotic I took the night before really wiped me out. I woke up this morning at my usual time and got my day started as I normally do. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and I almost forgot about it, but thankfully I set a reminder on my phone and was able to see the reminder in time so that I didn't arrive late. Most of the appointment consisted of me waiting in the office. I was there for about an hour and spent maybe five minutes talking with my provider. I got a refill of some medications and started back on an anxiety medication I used to be on.
I've been feeling normal, but I still can't help shaking some looming thing I can't put my finger on. I'm safe, fed, and all the other good things, but I guess I'm just dealing with the fact that things aren't completely optimized. I think that's something that will always be there. You can always be doing better, doing more. I'm just trying to contend with what already is, and I think that's where the real anxiety is coming from; just knowing that things are the way they are is a weirdly harsh thing to confront. I guess that's why most of us spend our time trying to get outside of that.
But for me, I know that there's no getting around it. There's no getting around the fact that this is it, that this is life. Every moment is spent in it, no matter how much I might want to get outside of it. Strange things happen all the time: little pockets of time slip by, the stars at night look like they're moving, information and media feel unreal. I don't think that's unique to me by any means, but it is something that I uniquely contend with. Derealization is just Wednesday for me. But more than that, I feel a strange sense that this body of mine isn't my own, that my life is being rented out to somebody else. There's not another way to explain it, I think.
Even if that were the case, I don't think I'd mind that all too much. I still viscerally feel the things around me. The things I see, feel, touch, and think about are still undeniably there, albeit different. That's more than likely something everyone experiences at different points in their lives, even if they can't or don't want to explain it that way. Ultimately, the times will always be changing. The world of yesterday isn't the one we live in today. Everything might feel identical, but the truth is that we wake up to a new reality every day whether we want to or not.
The only thing that keeps life the same is our choice to make it so.
It's also our choice to make it different. I look at my life, and I wonder what I'd want to be different. Sometimes I think about what I'd change, but I always come back to the same constraints. I know that those constraints are there because of my choice to keep them there. Things don't have to be this way, but I think I want them to. In a lot of ways, life is perfect. I know that I am comfortable where I'm at, even if I'm afraid that those comforts might one day change or go away. I know that things will change, but right now, I could use more of the same.
I've been losing a lot of weight lately. By this fall, I'll be at what I would consider a healthy body weight. Life will be different because I'll be more fit to take part in things I previously couldn't. That's something to look forward to. I look forward to better sleep. I look forward to doing more things. Most of all, I look forward to having more agency. Even if I'm working with the same constraints, I know that I'll be able to work better within them to become someone who I've always wanted to be.
I want to be the best version of me that I could ever be.
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