Affording It
2026-03-21
Tensions are running a bit high today. Over the last few weeks, I had been waiting on my Mounjaro prescription to get filled. At first, I thought that it was an oversight on my doctor and that they hadn't renewed it. I tried calling their office, sending refill requests electronically, but couldn't get anywhere. My pharmacy has an automated phone system that tells me when my prescriptions are ready, and it's been the same "There are no refills remaining" message every time I check. I suspected that it had something to do with my insurance, and I was right. I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for my mom and asked the tech what was going on with my order. He informed me that my insurance company only covers one prescription—a month's supply—every six months. How does that possibly make sense? I pay decent money in insurance premiums and have what the idiot who sold it to me said was the "best plan," but apparently even their best doesn't cover it. So not only do I have to pay these jacked-up premiums, but they don't even cover my medication.
Needless to say, this whole debacle has me thrown up a wall this morning. I've been having to navigate this broken medical system essentially by myself for years, and at seemingly every turn, there's less and less to help me. I try doing research, being patient, and following my doctors' advice, but even when I do everything that I'm supposed to do, the system still fails me. I know I'm not alone in facing this problem; most people I talk to express similar grievances, but none of us seem to have a foothold on what to do about it. Every conversation ends with some petty aphorism about the world being fucked up, and that's usually it. Since discovering this information this morning, it's made me go down a negative rabbit hole.
It makes me think about how life would be if I were more independent. If I were somehow able to hold down a job, what would I even be doing? People don't want to solve problems or get anything done. All they want to do is talk shit, bicker, and fight for resources and status. The symbolic order of things is so ineffably warped that it doesn't make anything feel worth pursuing because, ultimately, it leads to that thing we pursue giving us nothing back in return. If my life has value on the condition that I buy things all the time, what's the point in producing anything meaningful? I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to wrap my head around the essence of these problems. I know that I have to hold myself accountable for my own issues, but when it feels like the whole world doesn't operate on that principle, the whole question of whether it's my problem or their problem becomes moot.
This is just one of many peddling frustrations that happen in life. There will be more, but I have my doubts as to whether I can handle it. The wisdom that keeps me going is that God provides and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Last night, I was thinking about the notion of "saving for retirement." When I was younger, the idea was that I'd have to save money and let it grow so that when I got older and couldn't work, I could still live comfortably. Unfortunately, I hit that wall a lot quicker than I thought I would. The way I see it, there is no retirement to save for anymore. More than that, I came to the conclusion that, based on the aforementioned guiding wisdom, if I can't afford it, I don't need it.
If I can't afford it, I don't need it.
What about a place to stay? Or food? Or whatever else? If there comes a point in my life where I can't afford those things, I will either rely on the generosity of others or sleep on the streets and starve. I don't have any regard for financial stability or personal security; if God decides that I need something, He'll give it to me. I don't need to rely on these flawed man-made monstrosities to keep living my life. They clearly don't give a fuck about me, but I know that God loves me in a way that's far beyond my meager understanding. I know that through whatever crucibles come next, I can rest assured that it is all part of a good and perfect plan. Even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment or if I perceive some kind of impending doom in the near future, I know that my judgment—when stacked against God's judgment—is fundamentally flawed in some way. So with that, who gives a shit if I don't have a medication or a gym membership or a nice computer? If I don't need it, God won't give it to me. If He takes something away, I know with absolute certainty that it's in my best interest, even if I can't see beyond the moment.
I'm sick of conforming to the world's standards.
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