2026-02-04
CHECK OUT MY LINK LOG
I couldn't write yesterday, which was horrible. The problem was that over the last two days, I've been trying to fix an issue with the blog's codebase. Well, it wasn't so much an issue as it was an attempt to optimize for later down the line. Either way, while I was vibe-coding the fix, the model I was using completely changed one of my template files. Since I was living on the edge and didn't implement any kind of version control, I lost my working version of the template and couldn't publish anything here until it was fixed.
I thought it was completely over—that I had destroyed my blog—and I melted down over it. I couldn't write about it in my usual way either, so the whole thing made yesterday a hard one. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I found a solution before going to bed. When I built my Link Log just a week prior, I used copies of my templates there. So with that, I was able to copy my lost template from the Link Log back to here and voilà, I'm writing again.
On top of that happening, I also relapsed into pornography. Yesterday, I hit a streak of two weeks, which was the longest I've gone in over a decade. Then I relapsed. A few days prior, I had struggled with peeking and let the temptation become stronger over time. Eventually, I completely lost my self-control and relapsed. It was horrible—I had a tally by my desk that I looked at for encouragement, but it didn't seem to work.
What I've found with repenting my lust is this: true repentance does not involve fighting the urge to sin, but from understanding that it is not something that should be urging you in the first place. If you spend too much time trying to fight the demons, they win. That's why prayer is so important. The demons know that if you try to fight them yourself, they will win. They have the upper hand because they are older, wiser, and have successfully killed many before. That's why when we pray, it makes them the most upset. They know that once we seek power from the Most High, there is nothing they can do to stop us.
It's made me think of the story of Adam and Eve. I'm not entirely convinced that it's a literal origin story for humanity, but I do think that it tells a spiritual origin, which is more fundamental and important. It's one that can be understood in human terms, and that universality is why it is such an important story. I think about the serpent's temptation. From the story, it's clear to me that the oldest trick demons pull on us is getting us to think that we're all alone and that we not only have to handle life ourselves, but that we should.
I don't want to make the same mistake that Adam did. I don't want to lean on my own understanding of anything, and I don't want to think that I am the one who is solely responsible for my fate. I know that every day, we make choices. Every thought and action is a choice. Emotions are responses to these choices, and they can fuel the fire or dissipate into smoke. I now realize that every choice I make isn't clouded in some kind of aesthetic vapor. There are two outcomes: it pleases God, or it displeases Him.
I only want to do what pleases God.
This, of course, goes back to the first and foremost command that Christ gave us: to love God with all our mind, heart, and soul. True repentance comes from understanding this on the deepest level and living it out with our actions. I also understand that this choice isn't supposed to be an easy one. We have been told of narrow and wide paths, and seeking Christ is undoubtedly as narrow as it can get. For whatever reason, there is a constant push and pull with this.
I have found only through deep and intense lamentation the glory and grace of God. That isn't to say that we should suffer more and more so that we can find God, but that we have the choice to let that suffering bring us closer to Him. Why would a good and perfect God let His children play in a field of snakes? Why would a good and perfect God allow his children to suffer if He has every way of preventing it?
Theosis.
We cannot live with God unless we understand the snakes. We cannot love unless we know what it is like to live without it. Through the trials, we have the chance to ascend to the throne of God and achieve everlasting life in pure communion with Him. Even Christ, in the midst of His crucifixion, expressed doubt and lamentation. If Christ—who has the divine nature of the Father within Him—had to face that doubt, then how can we expect ourselves to not do the same?
For whatever reason, even if we cannot understand it, this is all part of the plan.
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