Self Denial
2026-02-02
Today, I had a medical evaluation for my SSDI benefits.
I've been in the application process since December 2023. I was initially denied, but that's a common circumstance. Currently, I'm in the appeals process for my case, and am waiting on a decision from Social Security. The evaluation itself was short; I've been through several of these already with different healthcare providers. It's a usual procedure when going through a mental health treatment—like a partial hospitalization program or whatever else: you get asked dozens of questions on your history with your condition, how it impacts you, and all that. It's an exhausting song and dance, but one that I have to do. They used to be hard, but these days I don't mind them as much.
During my evaluation, I was asked many questions that I had been asked before. At the end, I did a screening with a clinical psychologist. Toward the end of the evaluation, the psychologist asked me if was sure that my diagnosis was bipolar disorder. I told him I was confident it was. He then said that "Well, Social Security treats all these conditions—schizophrenia, schizoaffective, bipolar—they treat them all the same. But out of all of them, bipolar has the best prognosis since you're not cognitively affected by it."
Then he looks at his notes. "Usually people who are lying don't know all of these medications you told me you've been on," he said matter-of-factly. I assured him that I was speaking from experience. He then said that his office doesn't know anything about Social Security's decision—that they just send them the paperwork—and he sent me on my way.
All in all, I feel like I represented myself well. I tried to be as honest and descriptive as I could. I did not mention that I have this public diary, but I did mention that I have a website. I was asked what I do every day. I work on my website every morning, so I just left it at that. I did not discuss the fact that I write about my bipolar disorder on the internet for everyone to see, but I did mention that one of my coping skills was journaling. So, good for me, I guess.
All of this had me thinking about what will happen next. I know that once I get my disability income, that'll help me apply for other programs such as low-income housing and food stamps. Once I get those things, I have every intention of moving out of my parents' house so that I can get some independence and peace and quiet. There's familiarity being here, but there are many things I wish that I could do with my own place that I can't do here.
I'd like to have guests, be in control of my own space, manage myself on my own terms—that kind of thing. Whether or not I own property or do this thing or that other thing doesn't concern me. I just want independence and personal stability without having to rely on a job. I prefer the idea of living simply, anyway. It doesn't take much for me to live well. I just need food, a safe place to stay, and simple creature comforts. I don't intend on having any kind of savings or anything like that.
If anything, I prefer a life lived hand-to-mouth. I think it's important to be honest about that.
I'm reminded of the Lord's Prayer, particularly the phrase "give us this day, our daily bread." I learned a while back that this part of the prayer was a reference to Moses guiding Israel to the Promised Land. The Father only gave them the exact amount of food they needed each day, and nothing more. Many Israelites were, of course, upset at this notion—hence why it took them so long to get to the Promised Land. The lesson itself still stands: don't ask God for more than you need.
I have a gross bad habit of overthinking and hypervigilant self-awareness (obviously), so I tend to question myself frequently. "Oh, am I doing the right thing? How much is exactly what I need? How can I know so that I can always be right?" An important lesson that I've had to learn is that I cannot be afraid of being wrong. It's better to be honest and wrong than right and a liar. As cliche as it sounds, honesty really is the best policy.
Even though I might not know exactly what I need, that's really not even up to me anyway. In this life, I only have two important tasks:
First, to love God with my whole mind and heart.
Second, to love my neighbor as myself.
Everything else isn't just extra; it's an illusion. Nothing else in life matters more than loving God, my neighbor, and myself. I've learned that for me, loving God is innate, even if I'm not always aware of it. I've always been friendly, and do a good job with loving my neighbor for the most part. For as long as I can remember, however, I've struggled with loving myself. I've hated myself for a long time. But through prayer, contemplation, time with loved ones, and engaging in creative works, I have found a deeper connection to myself that will help me love more fully and with greater conviction.
I don't want to affirm myself; instead, I want to deny myself. That, I have learned, is the greatest form of love I can give to myself.
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