Fasting
2026-02-16
Sin surrounds me, but God is greater.
I've been using my prayer rope more intensely, in spite of certain vices coming back into my life. I'm on my third pack of cigarettes now. I've been succumbing to lustful tendencies. As I've mentioned many times before, it is a constant battle with them. However, I've been reading more about the lives of the saints, particularly the Desert Fathers. I've been inspired by the lives of Saint Macarius and Saint Anthony. Their complete and total dedication to the solitude of the monastic life is inspiring, to say the least.
I think of all the comforts of society I would have to abandon to immerse myself in that life. Many pilgrims take sojourns to monasteries to emulate even a fraction of the monastic struggle, and many can barely take it in. It's more than just confronting your shortcomings; to leave this world with your complete mind and heart for the sake of something greater is a direct act of war against demonic forces. The longer you stay in that solitude, the more you realize just how bereft this world is. Even if it's difficult to see the beauty of that next life, I have no doubt in my mind that it's there.
Even when illusions are shattered, new ones take their place.
Saint Anthony spent decades in solitude with barely any food to eat. He subsisted on only a small bit of bread and oil, and most days he fasted entirely. When his students—whom he didn't even want to have—finally persuaded him to come out of solitude to meet and teach them, he didn't emerge emaciated. He came out looking healthy and full of life. As the Zoomers would say, he had aura. However, this aura didn't come from his own volition at all; it was entirely the work of God's grace, day in and day out. Saint Anthony was born into a wealthy family, but once he received his inheritance, he gave it all away to the Church and went out to the desert.
That wilderness is something we all face at some point. Even if our jungles are made of concrete, they're still perilous. There are nights when I'm out driving and the streets are completely empty—no cars or pedestrians in sight. All I can see are the lights and the pavement. In those quiet moments, it can feel like I am completely and totally alone. I realize that the wilderness isn't a place you go out to, but a condition of the heart. Yet despite that, I feel the presence of Christ. I know that even in the wilderness of my heart, I can work to build that monastery.
All I have to do is pray.
Meat fasting for Lent has begun as well. I'm not sure how I should proceed with fasting since I'm not received yet, but I feel emboldened to try something. I want to ask my friends from church what exactly I need to do, and I hope that their advice will be helpful. If Saint Anthony can fast the way he did, I have every reason to do what I can. For me, fasting is a tall order. I am not good with dietary restrictions, but more than that, I fall victim to gluttonous tendencies as well. I've been obese for several years now. When I was on antipsychotic medications, that increased my appetite quite a bit. On top of that, I became inactive after the onset of my bipolar diagnosis and due to restrictions from COVID.
All of those things together have made it difficult to feel healthy, among other problems. But even beyond matters of physical health, I feel more inclined to be spiritually disobedient because food can be a powerful anesthetic. I grew up very blessed in that I've never experienced any kind of food insecurity. I never had to worry about getting my next meal; food was always there, regardless of personal circumstances. However, a lesson I need to apply is that just as food is always there, so is Christ. Instead of relying on food for comfort, I need to learn to fully embrace the comfort that Christ can give through prayer.
I pray that I may find this repentance.
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