Past People
2026-01-04
I was texting some friends in a group chat earlier this morning. We've been pals since high school, nearly fifteen years at this point. On occasion, we'll talk about people we went to school with. There's been a lot that's happened to our old cohort. Many of them have ended up being decent regular working people. Some have died. I even heard of one guy who just got recruited by the Secret Service. One of my friends posted a picture of someone from social media and we exchanged comments about it.
It then reminded me of a time where I had an unlikely encounter with someone from back then. I was at a random gas station in 2023 grabbing smokes and a snack. It was in the metro area we grew up in, but decently far away from where we went to school. While I was walking out of the gas station, I get flagged down by someone. It took me a moment, but soon enough I recognized her. She was in my graduating class and we had a few classes together. She was a teacher's daughter, studious, straight-and-narrow type person. I remember that after college, she ended up getting a swanky job at a place where their website ends with dot gov.
She was with her boyfriend, a tall lanky jock-looking guy, and introduced us. We shook hands, exchanged polite smiles. She told me that she lives in this part of the city now with him and that she just bought a house there. I said "that's cool man." She asked me what I had been up to since graduating. There was an awkward moment of silence. It wasn't a long moment, just a quick beat that gave me enough time to think of something generic.
I didn't have the guts to tell her "yeah so I dropped out of college, became a drug dealer, went insane, and now I live with my parents in the town we grew up in." Instead, I just kept it on the surface. "I'm back in the area, yeah. Between jobs right now, you know how it is." There was a strong sense of shame and inconvenience I felt. After that she said "I'm glad you're doing well" and we parted ways. The experience was so awkward that I didn't have the guts to tell my friends about it until just today.
With everything I've been through, I try my best to keep things in perspective. I know the modern wisdom of "growth isn't linear" and that "comparison is the thief of joy" and all that, but thinking back on stuff like that is still a hard thing for me. I've grown a lot since then. I feel more at peace with my lot in life, and I know that I still have a lot to do with it. I know that I've done more than I give myself credit for, but the fact that I don't fit into modern conceptions makes it hard to confront my past.
With a lot of the people I went to school with, there was a sense of forward momentum that was conveniently packaged for modern sentiments. I remember at the end of high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career. I held it off because I was too busy having fun with my friends and playing my saxophone. Once I was caught at the finish line, though, I had to make a decision. I shot from the hip and told people I wanted to be an investment banker at Goldman Sachs because it was prestigious and made a lot of money. Later down the line, I had to confront my beliefs and admit to myself that they're diametrically opposed to a job like that.
Back then, I was ostensibly bright. I did well in classes. I enjoyed learning. There were many precocious moments, but nonetheless my teachers and peers viewed me as someone with potential. For a long time, I convinced myself that I failed them. I know now that I haven't failed anything. I was still figuring out the mission. Today, the mission is more apparent than it has ever been. I looked back at my past and called the race before it even started. There's still so much more to do.
My friends have also talked about who would be the first and last to die among us. It's been readily apparent that given my conditions, I'd be the first one to croak. If I had to bet on it, I'd say the same thing. More than that, I've experienced so much pain as a result of depression that my outlook on life is less than stellar. I wouldn't mind being taken out early.
Unfortunately, God invented irony for a reason.