Never Claim Defeat
2026-01-20
Last night was tough, but I got through it. I had thoughts of relapse and felt trapped in my own skin, but I got through it all the same. I feel better about including good habits into my life, but there are still many urges to return to bad ones. The main thing I've had to learn about addiction is that I have to constantly remind myself there are no advantages to it. If I maintain an addiction, it is a slow poisoning. There is no way around that. Why would I poison myself at all, let alone slowly? There's an unattributed quote I saw yesterday that encapsulates the recovery gospel perfectly:
"Addiction is giving up everything for one thing. Recovery is giving up one thing for everything."
Another idea that helps with recovery comes from a contentious place. My friends watched the new Donald Trump biopic The Apprentice last week. I had seen the movie sometime last year, but didn't give it too much thought. Since my friends watched it, though, it's been circulating in my head. I don't want to make any political commentary here. Instead, I want to direct attention to the three rules Roy Cohn (Trump's former lawyer and mentor) gave to him for career success.
First, always attack.
Second, never admit wrongdoing.
Third, always claim victory.
The first rule is just ripped from Sun Tzu—nothing special. The second and third rules are essentially the same to me, but I like the third one most. Of course, the broader cultural consensus is that the third rule is harmful. It's the rule that has been most important for Trump's career strategy. Again, I'd rather not delve into political commentary here, so instead I'd like to propose a semantic reframing of the third rule. If the third rule is to always claim victory, then there is another implicit way to state it:
Never claim defeat.
Instead of applying that rule externally, it serves as a great way to frame things internally. I've struggled with depression for a long time. It infects my mind by making me feel constant defeat and rot in despair. It's tough because it'll make me think that everything I've done has led to this suffering and that it's all my fault. It's a horrible place to be, and there are many who do not survive it.
However, the idea of staunch defiance toward depression is a radically appealing one to me. I am not saying I wish to deny my depression. Instead, it's more radical to say that it will never defeat me, no matter how horrible it makes me feel. It's factually true to claim victory over depression if I make it to the next day. That next day might be torture. It could be worse than today. The fact that I made it is the true victory.
Everything else is meaningless.
Love him or hate him, I think Trump uses those rules for his personal life too. I know I've talked about fighting demons before, and it's important for me to understand that demons thrive on self-defeat and despair. They are most powerful when we feel that we don't have any respite. Their greatest strength is that they can convince us we lack options, that the only way to continue living is to succumb to our passions.
The last thing they want us to do is look up.
I know when I struggled with my thoughts of relapse last night, I desperately wanted to claim defeat. I wanted to tell myself that I had no other recourse but to relapse, that I was powerless against the feelings in my body and thoughts in my mind. However, I now understand the importance of holding victory close and never claiming defeat. I will chalk last night as a victory, because that's exactly what it was. To claim it was anything less would be a disservice to me and my fortitude.
Never claim defeat.