Needless Ambition
2026-01-28
It has been a week on NoFap; praise God!
I've struggled with lust for a long time, but I finally feel that I have been given grace from this sin. My prayer life has only become richer over the course of this week, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope that as I keep growing in my faith, life will become more bearable and that I can continue to receive strength for the trials to come. I've learned so much over the last several years. Life has been bleak, stressful, and empty for so long, but now, through the grace of the Lord my God, I can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel.
As I've done this work, I have begun to see the true grasp of sin and the demons that command it. There were so many deeply embedded layers of deception. More than that, the tribulations themselves were ones that I didn't think would have an end. However, I know now that I can bear anything that's put on my shoulders. Whether I have the conscious awareness or not, there is always someone there helping me carry that weight. I've heard a bit about guardian angels but don't know a lot about them directly. Orthodoxy stresses the importance of a guardian angel, but I can say for certain that they've been there for me much longer than I could ever know.
I struggle with accepting the demons' attacks, but I know that I went through them because God and His angels knew I could handle it. It has made me understand, with profound depth, the power and purpose of prayer. This isn't something that is to be taken lightly. I see demons everywhere. They envelop the entire earth and all of its cracks and crevices. Most don't understand the depths of the spiritual war we're in. I don't say that to imply that I'm better than other people; if anything, I don't want to be better.
I wish I didn't have to carry this cross, but I do it anyway.
I've stared into the void for too long, so it makes it difficult to relate to others in many ways. I do what I can to fit in and feel like I'm a part of whatever group I'm in, but the traumas of my past weigh on me. There are many days where I feel that I can't connect with anyone. It's lonely. This writing is my beacon, a way to send the signal to someone who needs it. But really, I need them more. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who sees what I see. If others want to dismiss me as arrogant, I don't care anymore. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I have to be defensive so that I can conform to other people's perceptions of me.
I don't like being angry, even if I feel a righteous anger. I'm so afraid of being a hypocrite. I've known many hypocrites and they've hurt me so many times that I want to do everything I can to avoid any sense of hypocrisy in my own life. Everything has to be a contained and unchanging system for me, but I know that this desire is unrealistic. I can't be afraid of being wrong. There are many occasions where I'll hold my tongue because I'll make myself a hypocrite or that people won't listen to me anyway. I've had so many occasions in life where people wouldn't heed my warnings and we all suffer because of the pride and impudence. It's not right.
Coming to this attunement is a constant and delicate exercise. Every second, every micro-moment is meditated on. Being able to see makes me blind. It's so hard to just sit there and let go. Writing here is important for me because it forces me to let go, to not be so judgmental of my own thoughts that I don't let them out. I can deceive myself into thinking that it's discernment, but I know better. Discernment doesn't hesitate. I wish that I could receive more of the Holy Spirit and become a true vessel for it. In many ways, I want to have my own moment of Pentecost.
There's nothing else I can do but pray.
I struggle with balancing worldly ambition and spiritual fulfillment. It's so easy to say that they are diametrically opposed, but I think both can exist at the same time. The difficult act of balance is to not marry myself to that worldly ambition, to embed so much of myself in it that I lose what really matters. I can say with confidence that I write, that I wish to be seen as a respected writer, that I wish to get paid for my work, and that I have what it takes to create a positive impact on others with my words.
My life has led up to this very moment. There's nothing else I'd want to ask for.
In this moment, I feel Christ in my heart.
For that, I have nothing else to ever need.
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