2026-01-31
Since yesterday afternoon, I have been tired and sleeping a lot. I fell asleep at around 3 PM yesterday and woke up at around 9 PM. I had some dinner, hung out for a while, and went back to bed at around midnight. This morning, I was able to wake up and do my morning routine, but once it was done, I was still tired and slept for about an hour and a half. Now I'm awake, on my second cup of coffee, and still trying not to fall asleep as I sit here and write today's entry.
I talk a lot about being fatigued and consistently tired. That itself is tiring. Instead, I want to try and let today's work be one that expresses joy rather than lamentation. Being tired when you want to be awake is not fun, but I know that I have what it takes to keep going. I might sleep more; I might find my way through the day without sleeping until bedtime; either way, the day is going to happen regardless, and I can choose to face it however I wish.
I wish to have a good day today.
In my prayer book, there are some prayers regarding work. There is a prayer you can say before work and after work. Recently, I started incorporating these prayers into my writing practice. The beginning prayer goes like this:
"O Lord Jesus Christ, Only-begotten Son of the Father without beginning, thou hast said to us with thy most pure lips: without me thou canst do nothing. O Lord my Lord, I believe with all my soul and heart what thou hast said; and I fall down before thy goodness and pray thee: Help me, a sinner, to complete this work that I have begun on thy behalf, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, through the intercessions of the Holy Theotokos and of all the Saints. Amen."
Once the work is complete, I say a short prayer that goes like this:
"Thou art the fulfillment of all good things, O my Christ; fill my soul with joy and gladness, and save me, O most merciful Lord. Glory to thee!"
I have these prayers saved as a text file on my computer, so I try to have a tab in my terminal open with these prayers so that I don't forget to say them. I've been incorporating prayer further into my day through implementing it as parts of my routine. I want to pray before doing anything; then, I want to pray after; if I'm lucky, I'll even pray while I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing. I want to keep the implementation process gradual. I had a conversation with a friend the other day and he said something profound:
Everything is a muscle.
All of these little habits and activities are things that can be trained. They can grow stronger or weaker depending on how much attention we give them. Emotions are muscles, too. If you keep giving attention to negative emotions, then your negativity will be strong. It'll be easier to approach things negatively, which will in turn reinforce a cynical and disparate worldview.
Conversely, the same is true with positive thinking. Of course, it is true that too much valence in either direction can be toxic. I know we've all met a toxic positive person before. With some people, I've felt like Tony Soprano in therapy discussing how he wants to assault the "happy wanderer" he sees on the street. For as horrible of a person as Tony Soprano is, that sentiment is a realistic one.
Still, I know that it's not right to envy the blissfully ignorant. I'd rather face the truth than to have it hide from me. As much as I might not like to hear certain things, I understand that it's the only way I'll grow as a person. Every day is a constant wrestling within my mind, but I've become more equipped to deal with it and make myself a better person.
I hope to keep training my muscles—all of them.
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